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When Achieving became a problem.
It's no secret that I've always put pressure on myself to be the best I can be, not only in my sporting career, but during my working career.
Failing was never an option, success was a way I thought I would earn respect and be noticed, it was never to big note myself. The more I would achieve the more I would push. I was programmed through life experiences to chase success at all costs which certainly cost me my health and wellbeing.
Sadly, it seems all too familiar in this day and age that we HAVE to be successful thanks to the pressures felt from social media to be perfect.
There is no hiding from social media. I know I have mentioned this in a blog before about it being the Kath and Kim phenomenon "Look at me" At times I feel uncomfortable with it and wish I could shut it all down. It's why I have reduced how much I have been posting of late.
When we do something that we are proud of we want to tell the world, there is nothing wrong with that. No one is comfortable in sharing the failures, vulnerability pushes humans way out of their comfort zones.
Lets face it, no one likes to hear people whinge, and no one likes to feel uncomfortable. It is ok to say "hey, this didn't go to plan" or share those tough moments trying to reach a goal. I'm ok with letting people see the down times, not for sympathy, but to shows that we are all human.
Someone made a tongue in cheek comment recently about being an over achiever after having a serious nose bleed that wouldn't stop, landing me in hospital twice in once day. I certainly don't do things by halves that much is true! But it was a comment that made me a little uncomfortable. Is that how people saw me as an over achiever? I cringed
Looking back over my life, I have to agree that I am an over achiever and it came at a price. I'm sure contributed to my marriage breakdown, financial status and certainly my mental and physical health which I have battled with over the past 18 months.
Breaking an unhealthy cycle of over training, perfectionism and self loathing has been a huge battle, its a battle I am willing to take to be a role model for others to inspire them that there is a healthier way to reach you goals.
FOMO is a real thing. There are times watching Ironman races, fights, karate championships, or even just a simple fun run. The urge to want to get back out there burns so deep. I feel like I am missing out, that there is unfinished business.
Success seems to breed a monster inside me. Winning early doesn't allow you to appreciate the journey, it's just expected to happen. The more success you taste, the more you want, you don't care about anything else. Its like the taste of blood to an animal.
Adversity and acceptance is a very important attribute of any champion athlete. Failure IS an option! You'd be naive to think that failure wont happen, it will surely bite you in the ass when you least expect it to, bring you down a peg or two humbling you.
Stop, take a breath, look at the situation, accept what has happened and find your how and learn the lesson.
The perfectionist is still there, the fear still lurks and cripples me at times, but having a new love, a new sport, and a new career keeps me grounded. My focus now, is not to allow success rule my life. Yes I still want to be able to achieve success and goals, but in a healthier way without impacting my health and happiness.
A weird moment happened recently at a kettlebell competition after taking out the absolute winner of the biathlon Regionals. Who would have thought winning would leave you feeling so disappointed in yourself? No one could understand why? Who wouldn't want to win?
Me! I made a pact with myself not to succeed, just to last the distance and reach my ranking, enjoy, learn, and to respect the kettlebells along with my body.
Sadly, early in the competition, the amazing Hayley was taken out with a shoulder dislocation, it left the competition wide open for the 2 of us remaining. When they announced me as the winner with my certificate not having a ranking, my heart sank. The ranking was more important to me than winning. Yes I know...strange girl! My rank was later amended and I was happy!
Winning woke that little monster inside. My mind was racing "yeah I can take out Nationals" "I got this" ahhhh No Cindy you don't! All you got is your goal ..... that is it!
The only success that matters to me now is bettering the person I am each time I step onto the platform, hopefully inspiring someone along the way to better the person they are.
These Trophies and medals represent over 22 years as an amateur athlete in Karate, running, Ironman, Boxing, Printing, and kettlebell sport. They represent the hours of hard work, blood, sweat and many tears. The money I have spent in each sport to perfect my art is...well, into the $$$$$
Honoured to have represent my country in 2 sports, and been lucky enough to travel around Australia and to 5 countries competing (3 of which twice). Winning a World Championship, an Australasian Title, and countless Australian titles.
This is only my sporting career. My apprenticeship awards are packed away at my mums house.
Sponsorship was never a focus, as I thought I was never really worthy.
Look at Sally Pearson for example. She has won gold medals and world championships...and still couldn't get sponsorship. Who would sponsor me?
I was lucky that I was given a small amount of money along the way from my employers. Ultimately everything I did was always for my own pride.
The downside to all these awards?
My body now pays the price just like many other athletes out there. Severe injuries, multiple operations permanent illnesses. Giving up a high paying job to chase dreams, selling my house and nest egg to fund my trips and neglected my wellbeing. Would I do it all again? Hindsight is a great thing with the knowledge I have now. Regret? Not a minute.
Most of these awards just sit in a box in the shed that no one can see. Some sit on my shelf or hang in the lounge collecting dust.
I stand as the only trophy that I want people to admire and be inspired by. Every scare that marks my body mentally and physically represents failure, success, vulnerability and strength. I wear them with pride.
Be Your own Brave
Cindy Rella
