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Honesty is the Best Policy
I did a half ass attempt to sort my life out at the end of last year (yesterday) All gungho ready to make amazing life change life most do at the end of the year. I was following a business coach on line to help sort out myself.
Post-it notes have become my way of marking down the goals and tasks I want to complete. There is great joy in removing them when accomplished. No idea is too big or stupid, you put it out there and it may just come true.
This time last year the board was full of brilliant ideas. This year my brain is blocked from not having faith in my ability, self love, drive, fear. Worthiness has become lost. The board is very light on in 2018
I could be all smoke and mirrors and say I have everything under control, but that isn't who I am. I am not a fake it till you make it kind of girl. What happens when you do make it? Do you them become real and authentic? I find that to be fraudulent to those that look to you for inspiration.
I sit here still fat and sad. Yes I have a few health concerns, but there is more to the story than just that. There are a whole list of reasons. I became one of those people blaming things for the way I am, wasting a whole 12 months feeling sorry for myself and not being accountable for my actions. Giving myself permission to be self destructive.
I forgot what my values were, I forgot who I was, losing the ability to be strong and brave. That is what 2017 was going to be all about for Cindy Rella
Don't get me wrong, there were moments of clarity, bravery and strength, but who I fought so hard to become has been fading away.
I welcomed this beautiful soul Silvio into my life who had been planning his entrance for years, when the time was right. I love him to death for who he is, what he believes in, how he looks at me with so much love and how he just gives me that reassuring hug and kiss to say. "I'm not going anywhere" no matter how much I push him away with my self hating behaviour, he just looks at me with so much love and I couldn't understand why.
2 Days before christmas I lost it, completely broken, unable to focus on anything, the same shit was coming out of my mouth and I was sobbing. He sat there holding my hand, listening and giving me some of my own medicine.
Sitting in my amazing chair Silvio bought me for Christmas, I've been rocking, relaxing and reflecting on what is going to become of myself and 2018.
Will I allow toxicity to remain and influence my decision making? or am I going to be accountable to myself and fight back to be the inspiring person so many tell me I can be?
It is not going to be an easy adventure, breaking these awful habits and self belief patterns will take a huge battle of wills. Asking and accepting help is going to be one of those battles. I don't really do well asking for help. It is a constant battle, even when you get yourself into a space you want to be, its not the end of the adventure. Constant work is required to maintain it.
Why am I writing this in a blog?
My word is honourable, I keep it! Being a hypocrite is not one of my values, and thats what I feel I was becoming to my followers.
I know Im not the only one out there that goes through this type of destructive behaviour. Its common. Being brave to be vulnerable and transparent is the only way I know how to shake the cycle, no sympathy is needed, just be inspired to take a good long hard look what you are doing if you find yourself in a life that doesn't serve your purpose like I have.
If you find you keep telling yourself the same fucked up story every day, but keep repeating it? Only you can change it.
If you keep finding you bitch about the same people/job/organisation, but still keep them in you life? Only you can remove them. You don't need to keep them in your life because you are fearful of how they will respond. It is ok to walk away if they no longer fits your values, be brave in your reasoning to them, the rest is up to them to deal with.
You cant make people love you, and you cant make people stay.
If you keep telling yourself I can't loose the weight, but continually eat out, eat crap, drink alcohol and don't move. Be honest with yourself, change it. No amount of health professionals are are going to make the change for you, only you can do it. Guides, thats all health professionals are.
The list is endless!
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it
So today I make the pledge to myself to be healthier mentally and physically. How that is going to happen? You will have to buckle in for one hell of a vulnerable, raw and honest ride.
Happy New Year 2018
Be your own Brave
