Behind the Scenes

April 13th 2018 my whole world changed. I lost my best friend my soul mate Morris. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I love and adore my partner Silvio, but Morris was my whole existence.

I didn't and probably still don't know how to function without him. Life just fucking hurt, but grieving him was about to go on the back burner.

May 1st, 2 weeks after he passed away, the universe thew me an even bigger curve ball. My father had a serious car accident.

It was the accident we have been trying to stop for a very long time. Sadly the health professionals wouldn't listen to our concerns. Thankfully no one else was hurt in the accident just himself. What was to come would be one of the most emotionally draining rollercoasters.

It's a little confronting to speak about just how I feel about my father. The guilt I feel becomes overwhelming and I start to judge myself harshly for what goes through my brain on a daily basis. I ask that you please don't judge my feelings as you aren't in the situation we are in as a family.

You see, I have had an interesting relationship with my father for a long time.

I grew up as Daddy's girl, always watching him work on cars or around the house. I looked up to him as a strong smart man. His pet name for me growing up was Rat. Those days have long gone.

Dad wasn't always home growing up, travel for work. As I got older things changed at home.

19yo he broke my eye socket and kicked me out of home. I really had to learn how to grow up fast.

Back then, domestic violence wasn't really a thing, and I just put it down to a fight between my parents, and me trying to stand up.

Dad has put me through some pretty shitful experiences over the years, but I continue to love him and been there for him through all his health issues as I felt it was my duty as his daughter to care for him. It's how I was brought up, to respect my elders.

Fast forward to the start of this year just before the accident. I was about to wipe my hands of my father. I just couldn't take the lies and narcissistic manipulating selfishness anymore. I disliked him and I most of his family, so much so its one of the main reasons I changed my surname 2 years ago.

I have wished my father dead many times, Im embarrassed to say that to anyone but its the Truth. When My uncle died a few years ago, the first thing I thought was why couldn't it have been Dad. When he had this accident, I thought why couldn't he have just died. That's a pretty fucked up thing to think! It's what I am faced with every day inside my head and what he has put me through over the years.

Throughout this whole experience with my father I have become increasingly disgusted with our health system and lack of care and concern for peoples welfare.

6 years we have been fighting to have Dad not drive anymore. His memory is extremely bad from years of alcohol abuse, absence epileptic seizures and onset of some sort of Dementia.

Even when his license was suspended, it wasn't enough to stop him from driving. Legally we weren't allowed to take his car or his keys away from him.

He managed to manipulate a Neurologist to give him his license back the first time. Even after we voiced out concerns.

Every review Dad would find another specialist to clear him to drive. You see he presents well and always says he doesn't have seizures, as he doesn't remember that he has them.

We were always met with "you cant take away his independence" not only from health professionals, but friends and his family. "he's only going to the shops less than 2km away"

How many news reports are there of elderly people, Drunk/drug drivers having accidents so close to home?

All of Dads accidents, and I mean 'all' the 8+ just in the last few years we know about were on the way to and from the shops or on his property!!!!

When does independence out way someones life?

I have had countless nightmares over the years about receiving a phone call to say your father has had an accident and killed himself and taken out a family also.

He has continually lied to us saying he never drove unlicensed or drunk.

On May 1st he was way over the limit and driving on a suspended licence. This accident happened 1km from his house.

7 broken ribs, punctured lung, split liver, fracture vertebrae, haematoma on the neck not allowing him to swallow properly. A deep gash to his chest and covered in bruises. Im not sure how he survived, I think the only thing that saved him was he was drunk.

All Dad could say was the same bull shit story he tells us every time he has an accident as its never his fault! The breaks failed, steering locked, bonnet flew up, or the time old classic? I was swerving to miss a bloody wallaby/kangaroo/wombat.

The scary thing about this accident? It wasn't an animal he was swerving to miss, it was a woman pushing a pram on the side of the road!!! Every single time I mention that it give me goose bumps and shivers down my spine.

I spent nearly every day after the accident going into the Alfred hospital talking to health professionals trying to get them to listen to me, making phone calls to his specialists to say "I told you so"

Travelling to and from Dads house trying to find his bloody cat, cleaning up the mess he had left his house in, and clearing out all the alcohol.

Imagine my surprise when I found out he had been transferred to another facility without my knowledge even being down as his POA? I had to go through the whole process again, as they don't transfer much information, just his vitals.

This was like bashing my head against the wall. I was at my whits end. All this while trying to run my own life with my business, training and competing putting on a brave face. I became numb, distant and robotic like. I'm lucky that I have some amazing understanding clients and partner.

I was so angry and disgusted in my Dad I couldn't even talk to people about what was going on. I didn't and don't want sympathy for his behaviours.

All I wanted to do was curl in a ball and morn my little man, but instead I was dealing with this Dad saga. I just wanted Morris's little wet nose to nudge me to hug him. Morris just made everything better for me. Yes I thought numerous times, why did he have to die and not Dad. Dad doesn't make anything better

Luckily for us the rehab facility he was sent to FINALLY listened to our concerns and deemed him to be medically incompetent to make the right judgement for his wellbeing and I was given Guardianship POA.

This needed to happen, but or an independent selfish man, it wasn't good news on his part and puts a whole lot of pressure on myself, and my brothers to now take care of him. When your relationship is already strained, becoming their carer is a real mental battle to get over.

I feel like I have given birth to a 72 year old petulant child.

He will do whatever he can to try and manipulate, no amount of explaining helps him understand, that all we are doing is trying to protect him and what he has to keep him out of aged care, as he fuses to move or go into care and unfazed that we have to drive 90 minutes each way when something is need to be done for him.

Each week I try and stand back, tell myself he doesn't understand because of the memory loss, epilepsy, alcohol abuse, and dementia.

Each day I still have those same thoughts for someone I have such a disdain for. I feel guilty because I have so many friends I would trade my Dad in a heartbeat to bring theirs back.

I don't know how to deal with these emotions, but I have been told it is a normal reaction to the situation.

You feel selfish, heartless, and sometimes even gutless. There is no other way I really know how to explain it.

And for those saying her Dads probably loaded thats why she is doing this? I can assure you he isn't. Money or no money. He is family, as much as I loath him, I love him at the same time.

Keeping life as normal as possible has been hard. I feel like I have missed 3 months of my life, Ive become withdrawn, Im tired all the time, I get sick at the drop of a hat, not wanting to train, frustrated and I lash out at anyone over the smallest of things. There are day I just sit and sob my soul out without anyone knowing.

I wake up every morning, dust myself off and start a new day.

My normal and happy place has become kettlebells. Just to be able to step on the platform has been a huge mental battle, but once there that time could go for eternity. It's a safe place for me and my mental state.

Life is always going to be challenging no matter who you are.

Life is one crazy ass mother fucker of a roller coaster.

You are always going to have to do things that you really don't want to do in life. It's how you choose to respond is what defines you.

I choose to believe that if this is all I have to worry about I am lucky

I choose to focus on those good things that happen in my life

I Choose kindness over all else.

Be Your own Brave

#Lifelessons #braveness #mentalstrength