My own Braveness to be a World Champion

It's taken me some time to process what I have achieved, & what it took to become a dual World Champion.

I'm certainly no stranger to a hard fought battle. The list of achievements in my life have always had adversity behind them, it seems to be what drives my success. Perfectionism is present, the want, the will and the courage to be brave enough to fight for survival has become the driving force.

The Last world Championship I won in 2005 for Karate, was 9 months after major hip surgery. The day of the competition I had more fight in me than I knew. Seeing so many bad decisions go against other competitors for the benefit of other high profile athletes made me mad. Unfortunately this is a common occurrence in any judged sport, its up to the interpretation of the judge. It's who you are, not what you can do.

I remember walking on the court with that determination that no matter what I was going to win that World Championship. Not only for myself, but for my team mate Luke who had been harshly judged to the dismay of many onlookers.

I gave those judges no doubts that I was the best. Then came runner up in the Grand Champion section by .02

The respect I received from so many coaches, judges and athletes far outweighs the win to me. See, no one really remembers who wins, they just remember the athlete who impressed them. It's not where you finish but how you finish that determines greatness

Finding Kettlebell sport gave me something to learn outside of my comfort zone. When you've been an athlete for so many years it's hard to "just train" I need focus and distraction in life, and someone telling me what to do.

I had a dream of representing Australia in 3 sports many years ago. I certainly didn't think it would come to fruition. Dreaming big anything can happen.

I keep defying the social norm of slowing down at 40, Why would you do that? 40 is when you should be living! 40 is where most of the success has come from as an athlete.

My purpose?

To prove to myself that age is just a number and that anything is possible at any age.

In doing this I hope that it inspires others to believe and do the same for their own mental and physical health and wellbeing.

2018 has certainly thrown some curve balls my way. Everything that has happened, big or small has triggered off some form of PTSD according to my psychologist. SO bad I have gone in to freeze mode.

It's not a really nice place to be. It effects not only your personal life but your professional life. You know those images of scared goats that freeze and fall over? That's pretty much what it feels like.

To me PTSD was something Servicemen and women suffer, not someone like me, so to be labelled with it feels foreign and uncomfortable.

The effects have been so bad that even any form of physical activity is almost impossible to perform. Not really ideal when you are preparing for a world championship and can't train to your full potential a month out, laying on the floor paralyzed with anxiety and panic attacks either crying or just emotionless. This feeling scares me more than competing on the World Stage.

Taking moments away from people is vital for my own wellbeing and performance without detering from the team support and attracting sympathy.

Those that suffer anxiety know how important silence is. It's a reset button, sympathy suffocates me and heightens the feeling of the attacks.

Once in Latvia with the team, everything seemed to be running smoothly with my plan to handle my attacks.

Anxiety at bay, the excitement of being around inspiring athletes, weigh in and registration was quick and painless, and being able to stand on a platform and touch the competition bells was enough to spark excitement

For the first time I felt a calmness, no anxiety! It was such a now feeling and a little eerie just how good I felt.

The day of the first competition

Preparing to compete is a little process

I have certain songs to listen to (no rocky songs here)

I write myself a note in my little book,

Write a word on my hand (this trip was "enough")

Hug as many people as I can

And do something a little quirky before I walk on

Oh and layer that chalk on

Knowing I would be on with other Aussies really relaxed me.

My first lift was effortless

I stuck to the plan and lifted with my judge

Stayed with my breath to keep the anxiety at bay

Winning wasn't even on my radar, just to have the respect of my judge.

I was happy with my numbers 183 on the world stage. I was aiming for 200, (you have to dream big!)

That feeling of achieving the goal was amazing, then finding out I won was incredible.

Nothing compares to that feeling of all the stars aligning to give you success. The love and support you receive not only from your family, friends, but other athletes, complete strangers will be something that will last with me forever.

What goes up will soon come down!

The win certainly faded quick than anticipated with anxiety and panic attacks rearing their ugly head. This time there was no reset, pushing it away not letting it flow was the worst thing to do. No amount of breathing, or alcohol was going to take this bad boy away. I thought having a little celebration would help rather than being antisocial in my hotel room.

All that happened was I let not only myself down, my coach, my team and supporters (not that anyone back home knew)

The hangover was worse than the anxiety.

Hindsight! Now I have the knowledge, next time I will be better equipped and put more emphasis on the recovery

Last day of the competition

The biggest day for Australia with 7 of us on the platform.

Any reserves I had were well and truly depleted. I was in real trouble mentally and physically not fully recovered from 2 days prior. No amount of mindfulness was relaxing me, cheering the team on took every ounce of energy stores I had.

Holding myself together was an epic task keeping with routine, hiding the anxiety and disappointment in myself the best I could.

Writing the note to myself, the only things that came to my head was the Rocky speech of all things!

"You're gonna have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare you have ever dreamed, but in the end you know you'll be the one standing. you know what you gotta do, do it"

This wasn't far from the truth! I knew that it was going to be tough, but certainly not as tough as it turned out to be.

Walking out and stepping on the platform had a whole different feel to it to the first time.

One arm long cycle is hard but it's somewhat relaxing and fun, I enjoy it. From the first rep, it was anything but enjoyable! 3 minutes in I had nothing left.

The feeling that came over me is hard to describe. It wasn't adrenalin. The brain said, "I got this" I knew my level of resilience, this was next level.

All I remember is the judge hand and the voice of James after that 3 minutes.

I came back to reality with 30 seconds to go, the physiological pain was intense and I had no idea where I was in the field. All I knew was I just had to fight with everything to hang on, telling myself "clean reps cindy, don't waste a rep"

The yell that came out at the end was a release of all the pain I was feeling, not only from the lift, but the last 6 months battling those inner demons. I won against myself in that moment, no one else.

The only way to give you any idea of what it would feel like is to think of being grappled and caught into a maneuver where your only option is to tap out, but somehow you manage to inch yourself out.

The World championships done, I was done! The realisation of what I had just achieved, and the way I achieved it will forever stay with me.

I just knelt down and sobbed my heart out with relief.

33 women entered this event, in one of the most contested events in the history of the IUKL

I was thankful that they saw sense and split the group into 2 weight classes.

Knowing that I still had the highest reps out of all regardless of no counts and standing on the dais with 2 of my teammates, fills me with so much pride to be an Aussie.

The bar maybe set high, I have many years to raise it.

Someone asked me what sport is next?

Kettlebell sport was never a bucket list, it was always longevity for me.

Kettlebell sport doesn't in anyway discriminate against age or ability to participate. The only competition is yourself to achieve PB's and Rankings (each KB weight has a rank per your body weight).

When I started kettlebell sport, there was no thought of ever becoming a World Champion, let alone 2 at one event.

You can never take the fighter out of this girl.

My peace is on the platform.

I fought against anxiety and came out a winner.

Be your own Brave

#kettlebells #braveness #sport #worldchampion #anxiety