In search of my Zen

Over the past 12 months I have been in search of what calms me and brings me back down to earth to help improve my health and well being. I thought I had done a pretty good job of it, so I thought

I generally find a sense of peace and calm when I am pushing my body. My mind can go elsewhere, I look at the scenery, listen to natures music. That has been my calming force until that had been taken away.

You all know how my body responds to yoga, yes it still makes me want to punch people in the face.

I have admiration for those that find their peace in yoga and meditation. It is one of those things that I am yet to be able to find my solace in. If I am being truly honest, it's a fear of truly allowing myself to be open and vulnerable.

There is a part of me that feels I need to go on one of those Eat, Pray Love tours to truly find the peace I need in my mind and body. But everyone seems to be doing it at the moment. The amount of retreats that are popping up in Bali is ridiculous, and I'm not that person that follows the flock.

I have always found peace in Buddha and Hindu religions, but have never practiced. I have been to Nepal and experienced the Tibetan monks. My body is covered with images of these 2 religions along with Tibetan buddhist script.

The Green Tara covers my left arm, Ganesha covers my thigh. They both resonate with me and all I stand for.

But even with all my beliefs I have been far from that calm, content and in a place or true bliss...my Zen.

Enter Wanderlust!

Last time I was in Catarni Gardens was with 2500 of my triathlon mates for the finish of the Ironman in 2015. Today was for a different type of triathlon with 3000 people I only knew 2 of. Wanderlust, A wellness triathlon consisting of a run/walk, yoga and mindfulness practices. How hard could it be? Well it was a challenge alright. Before it even started I was wound up and already wanted to punch people in the face.

The warm up was, well, lets just say all airy fairy, peace, love, cosmic energy stuff. "Feel the suns rays penetrate your skin, give thanks to the earth, put your hand on someone else's heart and feel it beat" The sound of her voice just grated on me, it was like everything she was trying to say was just over positive and I wasn't buying into any of it. All though I will give props to some of the partner stretches.

I chose not to run the 5km but walk and be calm.....well within the 1st KM I had a stark realisation. I am just one wound up angry human right now. It kind of rocked me a bit. I guess being around so many free loving individuals made me really look at myself. No one seemed to care what they looked like, that their leggings were see through.

Who was I? where was the Cindy I thought I knew, chilled out, not judgemental, happy free loving Cindy?

It was clear that she has been tucked away for some time now. I was so resistant to the day fighting any form of Zen penetration... unlike the couple that seemed to have the need to do just that, luckily for all of us they didn't

After the run, Shannon and I nailed the transition, we fuelled up on all the good nutritious foods available, Turrrrmeric, Kombuuuuchhhha, (come on thats how they were saying it!)

My mission was to give all of myself to the Yoga practice, I just couldn't bring myself to do the warm up again with that voice.

So we were the naughty late comers onto the Mat. You try find your Mat when there are 3000 people in downward dog!

Imagine that person tripping and standing on people things. That was me!

I was again looking around at all the women so comfortable in their own skin wearing just their crop tops and leggings. I was half their size Here I was all covered up in fear of being looked at and judged. No one cared what I looked like, just me!! There were even 2 dogs on their own Yoga Mats looking way more Zen than me.

The practice was very touchy feely. Thats who I am, touch is so important! I love touch, Im the serial hugger and arm toucher for crying out loud. For the first time I was uncomfortable with touching another human. WTF was going on with me?

During a very awkward pose I noticed the girl arm next to me and her tattoo It was the same words "let it go" with doves as I had on mine. Now out of 3000 people that is pretty freaky! We both smiled on just how cool that was. I love those type of things.

So that is what I did, let it all go! I took my top off and practiced the rest of the Yoga and mindfulness in just my crop top and leggings with my muffin top for all to see. I was hugging Louis, I had my hand on her heart sharing the energy we were being guided to share.

I miss that Cindy, that Brave free loving human who loves her body for what it is, who she is and what she stands for.

That type of triathlon left me feeling vulnerable, challenged and confronted with myself. I am no where near where I want to be, but I am exactly where I need to be. Here and now.

Mala meditation beads where everywhere! I saw quite a few of these during the day and had no intention of purchasing any, one because I cant afford to spend money on things that are materialistic at the moment bust something about a set just drew me in before I knew what these ones were used for. Much like my beautiful malachite rock I wear to stop me from absorbing other peoples bad energy, these beads chose me. Whether they work or not, who really knows? However they work, I will keep wearing them in search of my true north, my purpose, my Zen.

Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason.

Whatever my Zen may be I will enjoy each moment along the way to finding it.

Today was meant to be. What I loved most is this fridge magnet that was in my Mala beads

Life is perfectly imperfect.

Courage Freedom Happiness

#zen #yoga #findingcalm #wanderlust #brave #freedom #courage